For years BPD has been part of who I am, what I identify with and something I feel I have understanding of. It’s what my job roles are based upon, it’s how I understand myself. It’s not what defines me as a person but it’s a just part of how I make sense of the world and my behaviour.
When I went to pick up my sick note for work from my GP on Thursday, in the reason I’m not fit for work box was Psychosis NOS. No mention of BPD. Yes, I’ve been experiencing psychotic symptoms but my BPD has been raging too. I haven’t been cutting myself and destroying relationships solely because of being psychotic.
In the main those that share my experience of BPD haven’t had psychosis, those that suffer from psychosis haven’t experienced the chronic end of BPD. I feel lost and I’m unsure of who my ‘people’ are now.
Having not been at work for 4 weeks now I feel like that identity is taken from me too. In hospital my identity wasn’t clear; they knew I worked in services and so showed me more respect than the others until I was being pissy about something because I couldn’t get my needs met instantly. Then I became one of the BPD lot they didn’t want to have to manage.
My psychosis got more sympathy than BPD like symptoms. I was a hybrid no one knew what to do with. I don’t know what to do with me. I feel I’ve lost all sense of self. When I think of psychosis I see the majority of my clients and I don’t feel I fit with them. I don’t feel I fitted with the rest of the psychotic patients on the ward either.
I should be used to this lack of identity or not knowing where I fit but this is something that has thrown me. Both are there pulling me in one direction and another, staying separate entities. I feel like I’m being compartmentalised. I feel like I’m being split down the middle.
The two things must be interacting with one another; I’m resorting to well honed maladaptive ways of coping – cutting, drinking, wanting to take drugs, overdoses, every maladaptive schema possible scraped open daily. That wasn’t there before, not for a long time to this extreme. But its discounted now I have psychosis, that is all anyone is interested in.
How can you discount 10 years worth of work and different diagnoses, treatments and psychological interventions that in the last 8 years have been for BPD. Yes I’ve experienced psychosis before, can we not consider these to be comorbid not mutually exclusive. No one knows why I’ve got psychosis… I know why I’ve got BPD. Please stop taking away huge chunks of my self-understanding because at the moment it doesn’t fit with your DSM.
Psychosis is robbing me of who I am in more ways than one. Its not just I cant trust anything I think or hear anymore, it’s starting to make me hallucinate again too. People’s faces twist into another, I see eyes in everything and I want it to end. Everything I thought to be real has to be questioned. It’s not just identity I’ve lost, it’s reality.
I try to carry on as best as I can but life is difficult where stimulus is a problem. Everywhere is always so busy and noisy and that exacerbates what I experience. I can’t concentrate long enough to read a book, blog or even watch shit TV. I feel trapped in a shit existence of nothing, a life I should be used to living; this was me for years but without work or a sense of purpose now, I’m fucked.
I don’t want the psychosis to be me but it’s so hard when it attacks you at all angles and makes you believe the most fucked up of things. It’s like being held somewhere in the dark and battered and tortured with all manner of persecutory, derogatory and obscene voices and imagery swirling around you. I hold onto the last thread of insight to know it’s not real.
Will this episode pass? Will I always have residual symptoms like some of my clients? Will I have another episode in life? It’s its unpredictability I dislike. My BPD never goes away, I just have to work harder to manage it. is this how this will be because that sounds fucking exhausting. Do I have a new diagnosis? What the fuck is it? I have so many questions and none of them seem to be answered by any medical professional. Please just fix me and let me go back to fucking work where I manage other people’s mental health and mine just ticks along.
I’ve got ward round tomorrow after being at home for a week. I want it to be done with. I want my fucking life back.